I don’t have energy to talk politics, and my bress are falling so I no wan show that wan. Instead, I will tell you the story of my love life ?.
I used to date unavailable men.
I don’t mean married men (although I have one or two under my belt, but let’s not go there today.
PS: no, not because I dated a married man means my husband will cheat.
Unless you’re saying that’s why your own husband is cheating.
But like I said, let’s not go there today).
I had a thing for unavailable men.
Men I have to chase upandan, begging them to love me.
A man who is falling over himself to please me, that kind of man I found boring.
He was too easy.
Held no challenge.
He’s always there, always there! Jesus, don’t you have better things to do than to be carrying my matter for head? ???
After a while, I got tired.
Like, guuuuuuurl! Why you dey hard your life laidis??? This is after I’d spent like one year or more sef chasing one man laidat! I was battle wary.
I just needed rest.
That’s how Le Husb came into the picture.
He wasn’t super nice in his first phone call.
In fact, he was a little aloof.
Upon say I didn’t like the way he talked, I was like this wan wants me to be chasing after him kwa? But subsequent calls, he started to cool down for Jesus.
The first time we met, he really looked very happy to see me.
I was so shy, I barely said anything during the ride from the airport (he must have been like, awww this calm girl.
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She won’t give me trouble ??????).
He wasn’t overtly affectionate, but he very eager to be with me.
That one was clear! At first, I was happy about it.
It’s felt so good not to be the one who is carrying the relationship for once.
All he seemed to want was for me to just stay with him, and he’d move mountains for me.
But mehn, after a while I started struggling with it.
Like, is this guy normal so? What’s wrong with you? Is it that nobody wants you? The day after our introduction, I freaked out.
Like, guuuurl!! What are you doing????? What are you doing? Are you sure you want to marry? Like, marry this guy? That’s how I went and called that guy who I had been chasing upandan! And the stupid idiot said, I’m coming.
Send me your address.
And I sent it, thinking if he didn’t want me all those times, I don’t see why he’d want me now.
But lo and behind, bobo came and was all sweet and honey.
That’s when I received sense.
This guy is not a good person oh! Oh, so now I’m getting married to someone else, he’s suddenly seeing my value eh??? Thunder fire you! I am happy with a good guy, and I’m here going back to old habits that used to make me so unhappy.
I faced my front, and went fully into the marriage with no hang-ups.
Although, to be perfectly honest, Le Husb’s affections can be suffocating at times.
Especially those days he used to call a thousand times.
I’d be in the office, and be the only wife whose husband won’t stop calling every one hour or so, ah ah like na only me marry????
So I told him to reduce the calls; I feared I wasn’t being professional receiving so many personal calls.
He took it badly at first, then cooled down for Jesus.
I’d say, even all these years, I’m still not completely comfortable feeling like I don’t have to earn his love.
And sometimes, I test it. Like a child, I test to see what I can get away, how much I can get away with.
I remember one time I really allowed myself be vulnerable.
Le Husb and I had just had a fight over something I did.
And I think, I was truly afraid that I’d gone too far this time.
He’s reached his breaking point.
And it scared the shit out of me, so I begged him, “please, don’t leave me.”
And he said, “then why do you keep pushing me away?” I said, I don’t know.
But I do, I know.
If you’ve used to being unhappy (and I have my long term struggles with depression to thank for it), happiness can feel strange and foreign.
It can be confusing.
You’re like, I don’t know what to do with this.
PS: I’ve been taking Lamotrigine, a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar disorder II.
It really seems to be working.
I haven’t had a single episode, despite the enormous pressure I’ve been under and being in a new environment, my usual triggers.
So perhaps the diagnosis is correct, and I do have bipolar.
Anyway, I’m scheduled to see a psychiatrist on Monday for a second opinion.
PSS: Anyway who loves a person with mental health challenges (not to be confused with madness, I know una dey always think mental health = madness, or a suicide waiting to happen) knows, it can be hard.
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Hard for them, and hard for you.
If you can stick around, do – honestly, they appreciate it, even if they don’t say so.
If you can’t, don’t – it’s ok to be selfish.
Written by Florida Uzoaru